Lies
by Em Mindelan
Summary: I can live without you. But the question is, can you? Syd POV, S3.


I know it's not what I was promising....but it's what came out. And I'm actually writing in first person! Wow. I surprise myself sometimes.  
  
This is a Syd POV monologue, more or less, but it's not designed to be spoken; rather, it's more of a silent monologue directed at Vaughn.   
  
TITLE: Lies  
SUMMARY: I can live without you, Vaughn. But can you say the same? S3 Syd POV.  
RATING: PG-13, just to be safe.  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. All JJ's.  
DEDICATION: To Elle, because I know she loves the lies. Sorry it's not second person.   
  
  
**Lies**  
  
I can live without you, Vaughn.  
  
Don't tell me I can't.  
  
I did for twenty-eight bleeding years.  
  
And then you came into my life.  
  
And you changed it.  
  
But I can live without you.  
  
*  
  
I have to.  
  
Because you didn't leave me any choice, did you?  
  
You tell me that you loved me so much it nearly killed you.  
  
How do you _stop_ loving like that?  
  
Because I'd like to know.  
  
*  
  
I can live without you.  
  
I know this.  
  
I believe this.  
  
I have to.  
  
Because you left me no choice.  
  
*  
  
I wonder what she's like outside work.  
  
Whether she's like me.  
  
Whether that's what attracted you to her.  
  
Or did you want someone who didn't remind you of me?  
  
Did you want someone who didn't look like me, someone with whom there would be no chance of saying the wrong word in bed one night.  
  
I wonder whether or not you want to see brown hair on your pillow each night.   
  
Whether or not it hurts to look into blue eyes and want them to be brown.  
  
*  
  
Weiss is a good friend.  
  
I can see why you like him so much, Vaughn.  
  
He's strong, and he's reliable, and he's funny.  
  
I think I could love him, maybe a little, one day.  
  
Like I loved Will.  
  
He's a nice guy.  
  
Just like Will.  
  
But he's not you though, is he?  
  
And she's not me.  
  
*  
  
And I wonder whether or not you think that as you lie next to her in bed, kiss her goodnight, tell her that you love her.  
  
Do you wish she was me, Vaughn?  
  
We live in a world of lies.  
  
You were ingrained in my _soul_ for nearly two years, Vaughn.  
  
I know when you're lying to me.  
  
And right now everything that you're saying to me is a lie.  
  
But you don't even need words.  
  
Your body.  
  
Your eyes.  
  
Everything you _are_, every single part of you, lies to me, Vaughn.  
  
Do you know that?  
  
Do you know that I know you so well?  
  
Does _she_ know it?  
  
Does she know you as well as I do?  
  
Does she know how to make you beg, how to make you scream, how to make you moan like I did once?  
  
Does she know every part of you as well as I do?  
  
Does she know you, Vaughn, like I do?  
  
Do you even want her to know you that well?  
  
Because her knowing you that well would mean that she would know about us.  
  
She would know about everything that I was to you, and everything that you were to me, and everything that we were together.  
  
She would know about the Kings, and the Zamboni, and about the restaurant in Nice, and Trattoria di Nardi.  
  
She would know about Santa Barbara.  
  
She would know that you loved me so much it nearly killed you.  
  
She would know that you destroyed yourself after I died.  
  
She would know you talked to me.  
  
She would know that I drove you crazy, Vaughn. Literally.  
  
She would know _everything._  
  
And she would know that you're a liar when you say that you don't regret moving on.  
  
Because you are a liar, aren't you, Vaughn?  
  
A dirty liar. And a bad one, at that.  
  
But something like the love _we_ had?  
  
I can understand how one might find that hard to hide.  
  
Not that you've ever succeeded in hiding your feelings, have you?  
  
Then again, not that I've ever succeeded in hiding mine.  
  
I was ingrained in _your_ soul just as much as you were in mine in those two years, Vaughn.  
  
I know when you're lying to me.  
  
And when you say you don't regret moving on?  
  
Well, you'd really think that the CIA would teach field agents how to lie a bit better, wouldn't you?  
  
*  
  
I can live without you.  
  
But maybe the question is whether or not you can live without me.  
  
You want to be friends.  
  
You want to think that this changes nothing.  
  
That I should still trust you like I once did.  
  
Don't you get it, Vaughn?  
  
Don't you understand the hole you've dug us into?  
  
Don't you understand what you've done?  
  
Vaughn, this changes _everything._  
  
You can't have everything that you want.  
  
You can't have her and me.  
  
You'll have to choose one day.  
  
You'll have to choose the day when you're forced to choose between protecting me and loving her.  
  
I think I know what you'll choose.  
  
Maybe you don't.   
  
But you'll make the right decision, Vaughn. This I know.  
  
I know it like I know the sky is blue, know it like I know that the sun will rise tomorrow, know that east is east and west is west.  
  
I know you love me.  
  
You can fight it for now, fight it as hard as you like. It won't change anything.  
  
You can fight it, try to tell yourself that it's just a fleeting thing, that it's just because I'm back from the dead, that it's just because I'm at work everyday with you…  
  
But in the end the truth will win out.  
  
It always does.  
  
*  
  
I can live without you.  
  
Can you say the same thing, Vaughn?  
  
_Can you?_


End file.
